Sierra's poems and courage

This is my girl. My sweet, shy, beautiful girl who is quickly growing into a young woman. She took a creative writing through the county's summer fine arts academy. She's not one for sport camps but this was right up her alley. Until she got there the first day and I got a text that said "Mom, we have to read out loud. I can't do it. MOM. I can't take this class." My beautiful girl and her anxiety. She's always so worried that she will mess up or look dumb. It breaks my heart. Some of it is the stage of adolescence where she feels all eyes are on her all the time. Some of it is her personality. All of it I hope that she grows out of and that this hard time makes her a stronger person. But she did it. She stuck it out (and loved the class) through to the end. On the last day the class went to a bookstore on the downtown mall and she stood up in front of at least 50 people, took a deep breath, gathered all of her courage and read her beautiful poetry. She spoke loudly and clearly. I couldn't see her face (she was turned towards her classmates who were downstairs) but my parents were did and said that she looked happy. And proud of herself, I hope,

because I sure am.

 

 

Since she's actually given me her blessing to write about her on my blog I'm taking the opportunity and running with it to show off some of her fabulous poetry. The first poem is what she

read in the bookstore. The last two she did during the school year as a "guess what I am" theme.

 

 

The Carnival

Snow drifts to the ground

Red and white cones that once spiraled into the air

Lay torn and wounded on the ground

 

Beasts have been freed

Their metal constraints lay broken on the frozen ground

Memories of laughter and cheers ring through the abandoned playground

 

Horses that went around and around stand frozen

Hooves paused at the ready

Waiting for their turn to spin again

 

Distorted mirrors line the hall, cracked from an old drunk's fist

Shattered glass is scattered across the ground, sharp and ready to cut

Now I know why they left

 

 

What am I?

I drift through the air

And ride the wind

 

Twisting through cracks in the walls

I disappear a little more with each twirl

 

I am graceful and quick as I dance away from my creator

A violent and deadly creature

 

I serve no purpose but beware -

My sickly sweet scent will drown you with pleasure

 

I am nothing

Yet I intoxicate all who dare to breathe

 

 

What am I?

Only I hear a song

As I dance and I twist

 

As I glide up the walls

And slide across ceilings

 

I hiss and I hum

I crackle and roar

 

A tap of my fingers

Illuminates forests

 

One whisper can kill

When it turns to a scream

 

My warm glowing light

Will leave you devastated

 

 

(Answers: Smoke and Fire)

Parents just don't understand

"You don't understand, Mom".  Said with all of her 11 year old wisdom and assurance.  We sit in the car outside of her middle school as she waits to go inside.  She feels antsy because none of her friends are standing out there.  She points out a few of the kids that she knows but "no, we aren't friends" and "she can be mean sometimes".  I ask questions to find out exactly what she means by these statements.  But, I wouldn't understand.  Yes I do, baby, yes I do.  I remember it well.

 

I remember exactly what it feels like to be in her shoes.  To be in 6th grade, just discovering that there is a hierarchy within the walls of the school and trying to figure out where I fit in it.  I remember what it feels like to realize that friendships aren't formed simply because someone sits beside me in class or because we both like gymnastics.  I remember being aware of the fact even though I wore a particular shirt every week last year it suddenly oozes "uncool" and there is "no way I can wear that!".  I remember the butterflies in my stomach as I waited for my friends to show up at our lunch table so, God forbid, I wouldn't have to be seen sitting by myself.  I remember it well.

 

I also remember saying "You don't understand, Mom".  How could she possibly understand?  My mom and I were so different and nothing was the same when she was a kid compared to what I was going through and of course my life was so much harder than hers that there was no way in the world that she could possibly understand.  Now Sierra runs that same thought through her head.  And when I tell her that middle school can be the hardest time and then high school gets a little easier and college is just freakin' awesome...  well, she's not buying it.  When I tell her that she will look back in 10 years and realize how fast this time flew by and in 15 years she'll look back and see that middle school was just a tiny blip on her radar of life... she's not buying that either.  Just like I didn't believe my mom when she told me the same things.  As much as my heart aches to make her understand, I know that there is no way to make her see that this day, this week, this next 15 minutes while she waits to go into the school will not define her for all of eternity.

 

So what's a mom who "doesn't understand" supposed to do.  After blaming myself for all of my child's insecurities (is this because we let her cry it out or was it that we weren't aggressive enough dealing with the bully in her 2nd grade class?) I try to look ahead to what I can do for her.  While putting her in a bubble would be my first option, I do know that it's not realistic.  The world is full of bullies and mean girls and uncomfortable social situations, regardless of one's age.  As much as I'd love to "deal with it" for her I need to give her the skills to do it herself.  I have to teach her that she should follow both her heart and her gut. To know that she needs treat others with kindness but know when to stand up for herself.  I want her to learn that the way people act towards others is often a reflection of how they feel about themselves.  Sometimes the meanest people should be pitied instead of hated.  She needs to know that while it may hard to control how she feels she can control how she acts upon those feelings.  I want her to choose happiness... most days at least, and to know that it can be contagious, even amongst hormonal tweens.  I hope she knows that she has a safe place at home and with me where she can talk when she needs to and I'll try to give her the space to work out what she needs to work out on her own (key word: try).  Although I doubt that she will get it until she is standing with her own child outside of a middle school, I hope that there is a tiny bit of understanding in her that I do get it.  I really do. 

Catching up on birthdays

Since we were moving two weeks before Sierra's birthday we had an early pool party/ mini birthday celebration for Sierra.  In the month before we moved we had a few pool parties.  Part of this moving process has opened my eyes a bit.  We'd wanted to have a lot of gatherings after the pool went in but kept waiting until it was "perfect".  Sadly, we moved before things were perfect.  I wish we would have just bit the bullet and had all of the parties that we wanted despite any "flaws" that we saw.  Sigh.

Anyway, Sierra had quite the group of friends over for her celebration.  They had a blast!  So much fun to watch them be silly together!

 

Love this one!

Sierra's actual birthday at our apartment.  She was too tired to "bust into a new year".  It was more like a stroll.

She had a couple of friends over for a small celebration

 

I'm not going to lie... it's hard to look at the pictures of our old house.  I miss the house, the land, the chickens, the pool.  I miss watching the girls play with abandon in the pool, not worrying about who might see them (Sierra's hang-up).  I miss our open living room. wall full of windows, and the fireplace.  I know that some of this is being cooped up in this apartment while half of our belongings are in town.  I'm sure it will be better when we our own house.  And I know that we made the right choice to move for so many reasons.  I just need to focus on those reasons and this view...

Off our balcony

 

I struggled with what to do for Laurel's birthday.  In the spirit of biting the bullet, I went ahead and had her party here in our tiny apartment.  I realize it's not that small, but when you get 15 excited girls in here... it sure feels like it!  Her obsession with "Teen Beach Movie" gave me an easy theme.

 

The cake

Congo line to the soundtrack

Pin the flower on the surf board

After decorating picture frames they watched the movie

 

I had thought that they would all settle down when they watched the movie.  It was great for about 30 minutes.  Then, half the girls wanted to sing and dance during the musical parts and the others wanted them to be quiet.  So... they all got a little rowdy by the end.  Laurel had fun, though, and I think most of her guests did too.  I'm glad that I bit the bullet and had her party here.  It reminded me why I'll have parties at venues other than our house for the next few years!

Late night fun!

The grandparents came for a birthday celebration too (and Laurel got her precious Saige doll)

 

Laurel asked for cat donations for the animal shelter instead of gifts from her friends at her birthday party (in memory of Rummy).  The parents  kids were so generous!  We took the items to the shelter and were able to watch some of the cats play with the toys.

 

 

 

Homeschool "learning experience"

You know those times when you can completely predict how something is going to go down?  You see the path and know that there is no way that you can change the direction.  Yes.  That's what homeschooling was for me.  Maybe that is why Sierra's last day at school in December was so hard.  I even told friends back then that I anticipated how homeschooling would go for us.  I would have these grand plans in my head that wouldn't come to fruition and then I would be frustrated.  I had intended to do science experiments outside, create unique art projects,  listen to NPR pod casts and have good discussions about them, pick a country to explore and immerse ourselves in, learn and teach all things photography and cooking, give Sierra the opportunity to read aloud to Cadence and Laurel's classes.  Gosh, that sounds like such an AMAZING homeschool experience, don't you think?!  I was gonna rock this thing!  Or rather, I was going to think a lot about rocking this thing, not follow through on most of it, and then feel like a huge failure.  Yep.  That's how it went down.

I do realize that it's not that black and white.  Very shortly after our homeschooling adventure started Sierra missed her friends.  There aren't many kids her age who live close by and can just pop on over to say hello and she doesn't have a phone to text.  Our plans for her to start back at karate were put on hold when I went to Africa in February and, despite my efforts, it was challenging to find tween aged homeschoolers to connect with.  Sierra missed being around people her own age.  Homeschooling quickly lost it's appeal and by February she wanted to go back to school.  But, we had committed to try for the remainder of the year so we forged ahead. 

Unfortunately, as with most disgruntled pre-teens, it was difficult to pull enthusiasm from her.  Most of my suggestions (for those rockin' homeschool plans) were met with complaints, moans, and groans.  Sierra fell asleep as we listened to NPR pod casts.  She balked at reading aloud to her sisters' classes.  She definitely did not want to learn about any countries that I brought up.  It was frustrating for both of us.  So much that, in one particular "mom of the year" moment, I actually said that I was going to homeschool both her and her sister next year - as a threat!  Yes, it was that good.  Additionally, having Laurel in school made things even more difficult.  On a few occasions we had a bit of a groove going and then - BAM - snow day (or 5 or 6).  Of course Sierra wasn't going to do school work while Laurel was home playing.  For some reason it was so hard to pick up where we left off when Laurel went back to school.  I did learn something new about myself too.  I suck at structure.  Like, majorly suck!  And Sierra craved structure to her days and weeks.  Not a good match.

It hasn't been completely horrible.  Sierra took a fabulous art class that she really enjoyed. We've been able to do a few baking/cooking projects that she wanted to do. She has enjoyed less work focused days when she was able to hang out with friends.  It was some of these times with her friends that sort of clinched it for me.  Watching her smile, laugh, and brighten up when her friends were around made me realize the impact that social interaction has on her.  It made me realize that despite all of the things that I worry about socially in middle school (we've all been there, you know what I mean!) there are things that I cannot give her at home.  I think part of me hoped that by homeschooling her I could protect her a little longer from all of the drama that I loathe to think about my girls going through.  Give her a chance to grow into her own person a little more before exposing her to what everyone else thinks she should be.  But, it might do her more harm than good as well as the fact that neither of us is enjoying the process at all.  As a very wise friend said to me today, I need to have faith.  I need to have faith in Sierra. Faith that despite cutbacks at the school she will learn and grow and thrive.  Faith that, with our support and love, she will make the right choices and find her own way and her own happiness.  Faith that even when my kids are out of my reach, that they will be okay. 

Bald is Beautiful!

 

Sierra raised over $3500 and shaved her head for St.Baldrick's Foundation! Thursday was one of my proudest days as I watched my daughter sit on stage, through her nervousness, and do something that many grown-ups would cringe at doing.  All in the name of helping raise money for pediatric cancer research and to honor her friend Alyssa.  I was anxious about how she would react to her bald head, but she has shown grace and courage and she looks beautiful.  She has let her friends sign her head and when she's not cold she sports her new due proudly!  Sierra's friends and family rallied around to cheer her on during the event and those that couldn't make it were definitely there in spirit!  It was an emotional and beautiful day.  We are so thankful for all of the donations and love that Sierra has received over the past weeks. 

Hair ready to be cut and sent to Locks of Love

Our FAVORITE barber!  Thanks for doing round 2 with us, Mary!

Team LAL (Live Alyssa Live) - Tamara and Sierra

Cadence was working on Kelli's hair

Alyssa's mom, dad, and sister Lexie joined us!

Team LAL after!  It's colder now!

Lexie and Laurel enjoying sweet treats

Abby cheered Sierra on!

Our friends support Sierra and the Bloop sign

Visiting her class the next day to get some body art

Hopefully this is as close as Sierra ever gets to having body art on her head!

St.Baldrick's - Round Two

Four years ago my friend Lisa and I went to a local bar to cheer on one of our co-workers.  He was shaving his head for St.Baldricks.  St.Baldricks raised money specifically for pediatric cancer research.  We had a few drinks that night, were completely caught up in the energy and excitement of the night, and I went home proclaiming that I would be shaving my head for St.Baldricks the following year.  That night I dreamt of my bald head.  I was less enthused by the morning!  Regardless, when fundraising time rolled around we had formed a group of enthusiastic nurses and respiratory therapists that committed to shave.  By March of 2010 our team had raised over $11,000 for St.Baldricks and we excitedly and very willingly shaved our heads on stage as our family and friends cheered us on. 



The first week was a little challenging.  I would startle as I caught a glimpse of myself in the car window when I closed the door.  I was self-conscious that people would misinterpret that I was sick rather than having shaved my hair of my own accord.  Very quickly, though, I enjoyed the benefits of having no hair.  First and foremost, time saved in the morning!  Thirty seconds was all that it took to "style" my hair.  And the shower... it feels like a massage on a bald head!  My kids loved rubbing my fuzzy hair.  Despite being concerned that they might be embarrassed by my new look, I felt their pride for me and what I had done.  They begged me to come to school to show their friends!  Coming together with my friends and coworkers to raise so much money for a great cause, being supported by family and my community, and being free of a source of vanity for a short time... It was truly one of the best experiences of my life.

The following two years Sierra wanted to shave her head for St.Baldricks.  While I loved her enthusiasm for doing something uncoventional for a good cause, I worried about her.  As a female, it can be shocking to sport a shaved head.  As a 10 year old girl, even more so.  Not only is it an adjustment when you look in the mirror, but seeing the look on others' faces when they see you for the first time.  I worried how she would handle that.  We discussed all of the issues and each year we've talked her into waiting a little longer.  This year, however, there was no deterring her.  She wants to do something for Alyssa. She misses Alyssa and this a little something that Sierra can do to connect with her.  So far Sierra has raised over $2500 to go towards pediatric cancer research.  She will be shaving her head on Thursday.  I am still worrying a bit.  How she will react to her shaved head, how kids will react to her, how she will react to the kids reacting to her.  But I also know from experience how great this can be.  I know that she will be able to build on the confidence that one gains from stepping out of their comfort zone.  She will always be able to look back and know that not only did she help raise money for a great cause, but she also showed the world that bald is beautiful! 

If you'd like to support Sierra and help her reach her goal please donate on her St.Baldricks page here.  Thank you!



The end of an era

Friday was a hard day for me.  Laurel was very excited for her last day of school.  She is counting the days down until Christmas and Friday was another one to mark off the calender.  But Friday was also Sierra's LAST day of school.  As in, she won't be going back.  We have decided to homeschool  Sierra starting in January. I never imagined that I would say these words!

It has not been an easy decision to make.  Especially considering how horrible challenging it was when I tried to teach Sierra to tie her shoes - "No, that's not the way to do it" "Yes it is" "No, you need to do this and this"  "No, I'm doing it the right way" "Accckkk!"  - I never thought that I'd be up to the immense challenge of being in charge of her entire education.  Unfortunately, our county/school budget is a complete trainwreck.  Ever since the school's budget was slashed before the summer things have just continued on a downward spiral.  Teachers are leaving.  Great teachers who deserve so much more they are getting (not just money but respect and appreciation).  I cannot imagine who will fill their void with the system in the position that it's in.  Most likely class sizes will get larger, advanced classes will become less available, etc.  Not to mention the insanity that if Sierra stays in our public schools in three years she will be going to high school.  Yes, the eighth graders are in the high school.  These were the concerns that made the decision a little easier.  Sierra has said that she wanted to be homeschooled since last year.  In light of these issues, it just felt like the right time to try it.

However, Sierra has had a good 5 1/2 years in the school system.  She has had some amazing teachers that have shaped her in to the wonderful girl that she is now.  They have taught her not just reading and writing, but also how to think outside of the box,  how to stand up for herself, how to be a kind, caring individual.  Although the schools are large Sierra has known a lot of these kids since she was just five years old.  They have shared lunch, gone to birthday parties, and grown up together.  These are the reasons why Friday was hard.  These reasons are why, very unexpectedly, my tears wouldn't stop as I said good-bye to the school guidance counselor.  This is the end of Sierra's relationship with these teachers who have taught her well, the principal who has greeted her when she walked in the door in the morning, the kids with whom she has spent endless hours on the playground.  If this year works out well for us and we decide to continue with homeschooling, Friday was the end of an era for Sierra.  And "end of eras" make me sad.

Sierra seemed largely unfazed by the events of Friday.  We've talked to her about the way relationships will change with a lot of kids from school, but she is very excited about starting this endeavor.  She is anxious to explore new ways of learning and enjoy the flexibility that goes along with homeschooling.  To be realistic, she's excited about getting to stay in her pj's some days! 

As for Laurel, she is in a great little school right now, small class size, and fabulous teacher.  She has zero desire to be homeschooled.  At this point regarding the school system, circumstances are not so bad that I feel the need to take my child out against her wishes.  I hope that it never comes down to that which is why we will continue to fight for the school system and the teachers that stick it out through this mess.  I am beyond grateful for what they do everyday and want to see them get everything that they deserve and that they need to keep growing our children.  In the meantime, wish me a little luck in this exciting but daunting endeavor with Sierra!



Trick or treat!

 It was a chilly evening this year but we still had fun trick or treating!  The neighborhood close to us has homes on 3-7 acre lots so there can be A LOT of walking... so we decided to go back to our old neighborhood.  We hooked up with some good friends and tried our best to hit the houses that "give out the big candy bars".  The grown-ups nursed our warm beverages and breathed a sigh of relief every time the kids made it back down the long driveways, in the dark, in baggy/bulging costumes without wiping out.  Cadence did a pretty good job of keeping up with the big kids.

Laurel begged and begged for this Jasmine costume when we were at Disney World.  We all know that you do not actually purchase a  princess outfit AT Disney!  I came home and found the exact outfit, on sale, with the shoes, and free shipping - for $20 less.  Boo-yah!  Happy with the price but not completely thrilled with the outfit.  I think one of Laurel's main reasons for liking it is that it "shows her stomach".  Ugh.  Really?  You are SEVEN!!  But, the other things she wanted to dress up as were "zombie with lots of blood" or "vampire with blood".  I decided that I prefer Disney princess vs. horror character.  And she loved it!  She's worn the outfit almost everyday since she got it as an early birthday present.

Sierra pieced her outfit together early this year.  She begged me to let her see "Snow White and the Huntsmen".  Although I still haven't let her watch it she bought a few things based on the movie that she found at Claire's.  Her clothing choices have changed a few times over the past few months.  When she was all dressed and ready I told her that she had to be "something" because people will ask what she dressed as.  She decided that she was a "Modern Snow White".

Cadence was the easiest.  She picked a random dress out of the dress-up bin, put it on and claimed herself as Ariel!  It's actually a dress that Sierra wore when she was 4 or 5 so it was a tad big on Cadence, but it kept her warm.  I'm not sure how the pig mask fit into the picture, but, to each her own!

After freezing our tails off in the neighborhood we went back to our friends' house for hot cider and donuts. Ahh... the comfort of good food and good friends!  Back at our home the kids separated their candy into keep piles and give away piles.  The sugar high wasn't too bad before they crashed into bed!



Jasmine

Ariel the Pig?

Ready to go

Modern Day Snow White (?)

Will traded all of his candy with his friends for KitKats.  I thought it was very entrepreneurial!

Seperating the stash.  Notice how small Cadence's pile is?  Her dad "helped" her with her candy!

Tween book drama

Growing up I had a voracious appetite for reading.  I read books, magazines, the back of cereal boxes, the aspirin bottle.  If there was something in front of me to read I did!  Sierra is the same way.  I've loved watching her grow, learn, and explore through her books.  Unfortunately, her book selections don't always match what I would like for her to read.  Sierra states that she's read all of the books that she wants to read in the juvenile section and now wants to look in the young adult.  Most of the suggestions that I make are quickly dismissed.  She reads REALLY fast!  Much, much faster than me.  So it's impossible to preview everything that she wants to read. 

Everyone knows that books can be very influential.  I vividly remember reading "Sweet Valley High" when I was a teenager and Jessica (I know at least half of you know who I'm talking about!) complained to a friend that her "pores were huge".  I had never really paid attention specifically to the size of my pores, but now that she mentioned it... geez, mine are really big! Look at that - I found something else to obsess about that I didn't even know that I needed to obsess about!  I was telling Sierra yesterday that her hair was so soft and had pretty highlights.  She said "No it doesn't.  It's brown.  Mousy brown.  It's forgettable."  Did you hear my heart break?  I'm almost sure that I've read those exact words somewhere.  I feel certain that she got that notion from something that she read.  So how do I stop this?  How do I keep her from finding more things for her tween brain to become preoccupied with?  I realize that influences come from everywhere for her, but I'd just like for something as wonderful as reading to only have good influences.  Fantasy world?  Maybe.  But I'm open to suggestions!



Sierra's 10th birthday party

Sierra remained fairly undecided on the theme for her birthday party but had mentioned from the beginning that she wanted "Coraline" invitations.  Throughout the month before her party she also talked about swimming, watching "Coraline", painting with buttons.  So, we did it all! 

She started off only inviting three girls and then (as always) it evolved to about nine.  A few girls road the bus home after school and the others were dropped of early.  I figured having it on a Friday, when they had gotten up early, would lend itself to an earlier bedtime!  The girls spent a couple of hours swimming (again, wear them out for bedtime), had pizza, and then set up to paint.  I had planned to hot glue the buttons onto the paintings and had been envisioning the girls using a few buttons throughout their project.  Wrong!  Give them props and they will use them!  I spent a LONG time that evening gluing them on.  The paintings were all unique and beautiful, though, just like each of the girls.  We had cake and ice cream and then the girls settled in to watch the movie. 

I had overestimated my abilities to handle the party by myself.  Luckily, Alyssa's mom, Lynn, hung around to keep me company and take one of the girls home after the movie.  Little did she know that she would be my right hand at the party!  I was so thankful she was there to help out (and she's not bad company either!).  Brad came home around 8pm to a houseful of girls and promptly went out to cut the grass... after 12 hours of work.  Just four of the girls spent the night which as a nice amount.  Bedtime wasn't too terribly late and Sierra had a great birthday party.  A few of them even swam the next morning!  Due to the school budget cuts the teachers are in need of lots of items for their classroom.  Sierra decided to collect school supplies for her party this year.  She was able to drop off three large bags of supplies the next week!

Girls just want to have fun!

Sierra's Coraline "Welcome Home" cake

Blank canvases

Hard at work

Fabulous artists

Finished products

The silly pose!

Such fun girls!  Happy birthday Sierra!

Our first double digiter

My baby girl turned 10 this week.  Look at that... it's two digits!  How did this happen?!  This means that teens are right around the corner, college is around the block, marriage and babies are... oh my.  How did this happen?  Ok, I'll move past my shock to focus on the celebration.

Sierra woke up at my parents house to the traditional "Bust into your new year".  Sadly I missed that since I was at work (not to worry, though, Laurel did another one).  I struggled throughout the week trying to decide what, if anything, I would do for a birthday celebration at school.  Now that 5th grade has moved up to middle school a lot of the things that used to be fun now have the potential to be life altering embarrassment for Sierra.  So I tread lightly to balance what the little girl inside of her still hopes for and what the tween to come worries about.  After much deliberation at 3am with my co-workers I settled on taking honeybuns up to the school office and having the secretary deliver them to her homeroom class to distribute to her friends.  It was a big hit and she did appreciate my effort!  Much to my delight, she invited me to lunch next week.

Due to after school activities we had pizza and cinnasticks with candles to make a wish, of course.  The day after her birthday she got her request for chili.  Because what else would you request on an 85 degree day?  Brad and I both being home from work we enjoyed a family birthday dinner with cheesecake to top off the celebration.  (I'm not completely slacking... I will actually bake a cake for her birthday party!)  She opened her gifts and then Laurel coordinated balloon games for the girls and me.  We ran, fell down, bumped into each other, and laughed, then did it all again!  It was a great reminder for me that, although she is double digits and growing up way too fast, Sierra is still a kid who likes to have fun. 

Laurel's "Bust through" set up complete with candy

Here she goes!

Rock girls rule

Cadence agrees... I think!

Shiloh does not

Cheesecake cake, although the kids were more excited about the sugar letters

Make a wish