More adventures

We haven't had any adventures quite as exciting as the first week here, but the pain in the butt challenging aspects of living in an apartment continue!  I still have boxes to unpack since I have no where else to put stuff.  Yes, I'm sure this is a good time to get rid of things, but the sorting feels too tedious most days.  I went to Sam's club the other day.  I was on a quest for Summer Shandy beer but apparently retailers deem mid-August to officially be autumn, but that's a whole other blog post.  Despite the elusive summer brew I bought a few things but was very conscious of the fact that we have very little space to put things.  I felt like I did pretty well until I came home.  Then I remembered that I had to get the stuff inside.  I've always hated unloading after a Sam's club trip, but try doing it while living in a second floor apartment.  Grrrr...

 

Then there is this room.

 

 

 

The laundry room. 

 

I'm grateful that we have it and don't have to deal with communal laundry space, but the dimensions get to me every time.  The bottom door doesn't open with a laundry basket in front of it and the top door closes on me as I pull clothes out.  Combined with the fact that we have our cat's litter box sharing space with our "clean" clothes, the whole area makes me annoyed (as if doing laundry doesn't annoy me enough as it is!).  As usual with frustrating times, Cadence made me laugh through it today.  I was emptying the dryer, clothes were falling on the floor (near cat litter... eww!), and I muttered something under my breath.  Cadence was eating lunch in the other room and she says "Mom, you aren't supposed to say that word."  I asked her what word (I honestly barely realized I had said anything).  She says "The one you always say in the laundry room"!  Oh, my girl can make me laugh!

Apartment adventures

We have officially moved out of our house.  The house closing happened yesterday.  Last week we moved into our home for the next 4 months or so.  We've moved from 24 acres to an apartment building.  I don't know if I should feel more sorry for us or the people around us!  It's been a bit of an adjustment.  It is just down the road from where we are building our house so the girls will be in the same schools and hopefully the same bus.  It has three bedrooms so Sierra and Laurel are getting used to sharing a room again.  The living/dining/study room is large enough to accommodate our main furnishings.  We have a large storage unit in town that is packed to the brim.  Unfortunately Cadence's extra car seat, her new bike, and our car bike rack are somewhere in the depths of the unit.

 Our new kitchen is small.  I can touch every major appliance as I stand in one spot.  It has one drawer.  One.  Drawer.  Those two drawers on the right... they're fake.  That almost made me cry.  You may not have seen our old kitchen.

New kitchen

 

Old kitchen

 

Do you see the problem?  Four months, four months, four months. That is my mantra!  I did discover that the dishwasher seconds as a good storage area (as long as you don't mind washing everything by hand).

 

While the downstairs is roomy (except for the kitchen) the biggest downer is the fact that the place has five windows.  For the whole apartment.  There's a whole lotta artificial light going on.  The girls' rooms have no windows.  Do you know how hard it is to wake up tired kids when they sleep in a cave?!  If you can't tell from our old house, we like sunlight.  Lots of it.  Four months, four months, four months.

Old living room

 

 

New living/dining/study room

 

For some reason this large, multi-level apartment is only accessible with a key fob and has no system to buzz people in to the building.  So begins our first adventure.  Our second night in the apartment I couldn't find my car keys.  Brad was leaving for work before 6am and I couldn't be carless the next day so I drove to our old house to get my spare set of keys.  I returned to the apartment around 11:45pm when Shiloh promptly pooped on the carpet.  Awesome.  I hurried up to take her outside.  Once outside (where, of course, she didn't do anything) I realized that I didn't have a key fab.  There was no way for me to get into the building.  Even if I did have my phone I couldn't call because Brad's phone was downstairs and he would never hear it as he slept upstairs.  I was resigned to wait until someone else came home to take pity on me and let me in.  I was annoyed until I remembered... I had turned the bath water on before I took Shiloh outside.  I think every curse word came out of my mouth as I envisioned the entire building flooding as my family slept through the whole thing and I stood outside helpless!  I started walking around the building hoping to see a light on where I could yell up to some random stranger (there are only shops on the first level, homes start on second floor) and hope that they would come downstairs at midnight to let me back inside.  I was panicked!  As I passed the door that I had originally come in when I got home I tried to open it.  It felt like divine intervention as it opened!  It hadn't latched when I walked in.  Thank you Lord!  I bolted upstairs to find the tub filled to the top but not overflowing!  Despite how stressful it was, I know it could have turned out disastrously and somehow I got lucky.  I hope this luck continues to follow us throughout this journey to our new home.  On the upside, this is the view from our balcony!

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 things about me (no Debbie Downer post!)

I don't know how many people did this, but it seemed like most of my friends on Facebook took part in "16 things about me". Who came up with this and why "16", I'm not sure, but it was fun to see some tidbits about people that I might not otherwise have known. This was almost five years ago! I thought I'd revisit my list and see how things have (or haven't) changed!

16 things about me December 18, 2008 at 4:55am (obviously written during night shift... some things don't change!)
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

 1. I work a lot - night shift. Hence, I am tired... very tired. I tend to blame my horrible memory on this, but really my memory has always sucked (just not to this degree). I still work night shift, but not nearly as much as I was back then. Brad was in grad school and I was the sole income in a job where my hours weren't guaranteed. I scheduled myself a lot of hours in case I was cancelled. When I was rarely cancelled I worked A LOT! And my memory continues to suck.

 2. While I try very hard not to wish time away, I CANNOT WAIT for July 2010 (this is when Brad will be done with school, bringing home a paycheck, and hopefully I won't be so tired!). See above. I look back on his grad school with not a hint of fondness. The hardest 2 1/2 years of my life.

3. I love to be silly and goofy with my girls. I make up random songs, dance like crazy, make silly faces, anything to hear those belly laughs. I still love to be silly but the above tactics don't work as well with the older two. Cadence, however, loves it. And I still ADORE to hear belly laughs from all of them. It feels pretty awesome to be able to get a belly laugh from your tween.

  4. A lot of people that I work with think that I am quiet. Brad doesn't believe me! I'm probably quieter at work now that I was then. I'm okay with that.

  5. I have a very hard time sitting still. It's actually a sickness, I think. I've even thought about learning how to knit so I'll have something to do with my hands on the rare occasion that I watch tv. Still so true. And I did learn to knit, although I'm usually folding clothes when I watch TV. That's my excuse to sit down during the day. I think I need more excuses!

6. I love, love, love my husband. He is my balance and he keeps me grounded. He intrigued me from the beginning and still does. He is a good man. The beauty of Facebook. Seeing what everyone else wrote in their "notes" made me feel like I'd be a "bad wife" if I didn't mention my husband for one of my "things". Reference #2, this was the absolute hardest time of our entire marriage. Honestly, at the time I wrote this, there was very little balance in our lives. I wanted to be back at the place we were with each other when we first got married, when life was much easier. I discovered that while raising children often feels like the hardest job in the world, I think that being married is equally, if not more, difficult. You don't have an out with your kids. You are a parent forever, nothing will ever change that. Not true for marriage. You can get out. It takes A LOT of work to keep a marriage happy and healthy. I look back at this time and take comfort knowing that we came through the other side with a stronger marriage.

7. I truly value my friendships. While my family means everything to me, there is definitely something missing when I don't have "girl time" with those I love to laugh with, drink with, and complain to. Still very true! I love my "Village" and know that despite moving away from them these wonderful women will always be a part of my life. I feel so blessed for my friendships near and far.

8. While I am not a fan of conflict, what I absolutely can't stand more than that is unresolved conflict. Still true, although I'm coming to accept that you can't make people fix what they don't want to fix.

9. I am probably oversensitive sometimes, although I try really hard not to be. I think I've gotten a little tougher, but sensitive is my nature.

10. I really love doing karate, but I hate doing kumite (sparring). It's quite simple - I am a wimp and I don't like to get hurt. I enjoyed doing karate. The complete focus that I needed in class forced my mind to take a break from the usual constant chatter. I always left class feeling refreshed. Until the next day, when I was popping Advil like candy. When Cadence came home I had to quit karate and as much as I miss it, my body doesn't! I never came to enjoy kumite though.

  11. While being a peds nurse can be hard at times, I feel very blessed to be able to do the job that I do. To be entrusted to care for someone's child, during one of the most difficult times of their life, makes me humble and thankful for each healthy moment of my own family's life. I really love my job. When almost every nurse I know if going to grad school I am perfectly content staying right at the bedside. I consider myself very lucky to have the job that I have.

12. My one wish and prayer for my children is that they are happy and at peace with themselves. (I'm still trying to obtain the latter) I still wish this for my kids and it has been so hard watching Sierra struggle with this. I continue to ask for this when I pray or may wishes.

13. I think I am probably OCD, but I try not to let it control my life. Is it normal to feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders when my house is sparkling clean? Probably not! Unchanged.

14. I feel passionately about organ donation. I personally think that there should be registry and if you aren't listed as a donor, you shouldn't be a recipient. Yep!

15. I fantasize about world travel. We have big plans for the future (read: post July 2010)! I want take my kids with me for medical missions, see museums on the other side of the world, swim in warms waters with tropical fish... but most on my mind now is traveling back to China with our 3 children. I got to fulfill one of my dreams when I went to Africa this year. I hope to make medial missions a regular part of my life.

16. I really had no idea how great life would be being a mom! They make me laugh, cry, worry, and feel more love than I imagined! Absolutely, without a doubt, 100% true. All of it!

The middle place

I am stuck in a middle place.  Our house is under contract, but it's not sold.  We have signed a contract to build a new home, contingent, of course, on the final sale of ours.  We plan to move into an apartment during the building process but I haven't signed a lease yet because I feel like finalizing a move will jinx the sale of our house and it will fall through.  We have a moving truck booked for next Tuesday and plans to close on our house Thursday.  As I'm trying half heartedly to pack I have to focus on what we will need to keep out to get by for the next few months and what we can put away in storage.  I've filled out paperwork for new schools but haven't turned it in nor have I notified the current schools about us leaving.  I cannot embrace what is ahead or let go of what will soon be behind. 

I'm not ready to say good-bye to anything just yet, but I need to do that in order to say hello to new things.  I don't want to say good-bye to watching my girls act silly in our backyard pool.  Sierra unabashedly cuts loose there like she never does in public.  She is much more reserved when she's around others.  I will miss seeing that side of her.  We gave our chickens to our friends and have neglected our new garden.  We had our last swim meet with the team we've been on for 5 years.  I'm not ready to say good-bye to that.  I have been trying to fit in as many play dates and pool parties as possible between work and thinking about packing.  I've let my mind wander to hopes of lots of kids running through the streets in a family neighborhood, but without our house being completely sold, I don't let myself get too caught up in those thoughts.  I'm working on letting go of what we are leaving, knowing that it most likely will happen. On the other hand, I'm thinking of the positives of where we are headed without letting myself get completely attached to those ideas, on the chance that everything falls through (so "glass half empty", I know!).  The middle place.  It sucks.

 

The break-up

I have broken up with my house.  It has been a hard break up and I still live here, so I'm surrounded by it everyday.  I don't do well with ambiguity.  I never have.  When a boyfriend and I would break up, that was it for me.  There may have been brief moments of "this is familiar and comfortable so I'll hang around for a while", but emotionally I was always done at the first break.  Typically, I'm an all-or-nothing kind of girl and when I realize it will eventually be nothing I just have to go there mentally and there's no going back. 

A few days after Brad and I got engaged, a mere 4 1/2 months after we met, he had a "moment".  We had just returned to his Air Force base from our weekend getaway where he had asked me to marry him.  He seemed wishy-washy.  I asked if he was sure that he wanted to get married.  He said he "thought so".  "You think so?!"  Then he went for a run.  I sat in his room trying to decide what I was going to do when he burst through the door just minutes after he had left and told me that that was the stupidest thing he had ever said and of course he wanted to marry me, that he would be an idiot not too.  I'm glad he figured it out fast!  I honestly don't know if I had returned to Ohio on that note if we would be married today.  I don't know that I could have fully turned my heart back to him if we had broken up.

Deciding to move has been a difficult and emotional decision.  In order to help me cope, I had to break up with my house.  I've had to turn away from the plans and dreams that we had for this place and what our family would do here.  I can still appreciate the beauty that is in my backyard (literally) but I have to focus on what we want to move towards and why we want to move away from here.  So I sit in this beautiful house with a gorgeous view, but I cannot fully appreciate it.  It's too hard to fully appreciate it.  I need to move on, both physically and mentally.  But we are still here and we don't know when we will leave and that is difficult.  That is ambiguity. Which I don't do well with.

I realize it's just a space and that my family and our love is what makes it a home.  It's still hard.  We had dreams that we have to adjust and alter.  I know that as long as our family is healthy we are good.  We will make new dreams and appreciate a new space.  I just need to be in that space to put my full heart and head into it.  We'll get there eventually.  But in case I don't seem like myself lately, it's the break up.

** As a side note to my friends, dear friends, my village, I have NOT broken up with you!  Nor will I!  I am persistent, if nothing else, even with the measley little distance that we plan to move... so don't even think we are breaking up too!

I want to be 10 again

"I can't wait until I'm a grown up and can make all of my own decisions for myself."  I hear this a lot from my oldest.  Although the decisions get more challenging and multiply, it is a nice benefit of getting older.  Until you throw in some kids. That is when it kind of sucks.   When your decision making affects not just you, but those three little beings that hold a rather large part of your heart.  And when they hurt as a result of your decision, you hurt too.  That's when I want to be a ten year old girl simply longing to grow up.

When we bought this house we anticipated it would be our last home.  We planted trees towards the back of our field and wistfully imagined that some day one of our girls might choose to get married at this place where she grew up.  We built the house with unfinished space that we hoped to make into new rooms one day.  I let the girls draw on their walls (granted, in their closets) because no one else would ever have to see it.  We put in a pool, we bought the chickens and coop, we built a barn.  Brad bought many "farming" and "self-sustaining" books.  This was it.

But we had to make a decision.  One of those crappy, grown-up, "this will affect everyone" type of decisions.  We have talked pros and cons and "what-if's" until we are blue in the face.  Ultimately, though, we are going with what feels right in our gut.  We've decided to sell our house and move.  It was not an easy decision and there were quite a few tears involved.  I am happy to say they were mostly my tears.  The girls have really handled this well.  We've driven them around the area that we hope to move and they like it.  They are excited about a different type of lifestyle than we have had (easy walking or bike riding to stores, parks, walking paths, possibly to school).  They are sad at the thought of moving away from friends, as am I.  We've talked a lot about how we won't live that far away from them and the friendships that are the most important will last through the distance.  Laurel was very upset about leaving the place where we buried Rummy last month.  All in all, though, the "decision" went down smoother than anticipated.

When we were on vacation last week a windstorm mangled our trampoline and a creature got most of our chickens.  It kind of feels like the universe is showing us signs that it's time to leave.  I'm going on faith that the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray.  On that note, if you know of anyone looking for 23 acres, a pool, and some of the best views around, let me know!

Seeing intentions

Back in January I wrote about my intention for the new year.  I hoped to be more aware of those little moments that might pass you by if you don't pay attention.  One of the things that I enjoy on Facebook and Pinterest are the sayings that people post.  Often these are messages that we already know, but seeing them in black and white can create an "ah-ha" moment.  They feel profound for a bit, I think to myself that I want to fit them into my daily life, but usually by the next day they are gone.  ((In my defense, I chalk some of this up to the Iceberg Effect.  The iceberg (my brain) is only so big.  Only a certain number of penguins (information) can fit on it. As time goes on there simply isn't room for more penguins.  So when more penguins need to get on the iceberg, others get pushed off.  Bigger penguins (ex: where my kids are at the moment) weed out the little penguins (ex: kitschy sayings that I like).  Survival of the fittest.  I find this happening at an alarmingly fast rate as I get older!))  Anyway, I saw this the other day and had one of those moments: 

Sometimes what bugs me about another person is more indicative of my own insecurity rather than their inadequacy.

It wasn't completely gone the next day, but not nearly as poignant.  But then I see the same message here. I'm getting the feeling that this is something that I'm supposed to be paying attention to.  What do you think?