Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The middle place

I am stuck in a middle place.  Our house is under contract, but it's not sold.  We have signed a contract to build a new home, contingent, of course, on the final sale of ours.  We plan to move into an apartment during the building process but I haven't signed a lease yet because I feel like finalizing a move will jinx the sale of our house and it will fall through.  We have a moving truck booked for next Tuesday and plans to close on our house Thursday.  As I'm trying half heartedly to pack I have to focus on what we will need to keep out to get by for the next few months and what we can put away in storage.  I've filled out paperwork for new schools but haven't turned it in nor have I notified the current schools about us leaving.  I cannot embrace what is ahead or let go of what will soon be behind. 
I'm not ready to say good-bye to anything just yet, but I need to do that in order to say hello to new things.  I don't want to say good-bye to watching my girls act silly in our backyard pool.  Sierra unabashedly cuts loose there like she never does in public.  She is much more reserved when she's around others.  I will miss seeing that side of her.  We gave our chickens to our friends and have neglected our new garden.  We had our last swim meet with the team we've been on for 5 years.  I'm not ready to say good-bye to that.  I have been trying to fit in as many play dates and pool parties as possible between work and thinking about packing.  I've let my mind wander to hopes of lots of kids running through the streets in a family neighborhood, but without our house being completely sold, I don't let myself get too caught up in those thoughts.  I'm working on letting go of what we are leaving, knowing that it most likely will happen. On the other hand, I'm thinking of the positives of where we are headed without letting myself get completely attached to those ideas, on the chance that everything falls through (so "glass half empty", I know!).  The middle place.  It sucks.

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