Gift of time

The move has been as good as one would expect. For some reason I really miss the chickens. I was not too attached to them but I liked their chicken sounds and I really loved having fresh eggs as well as something to give all of our food scraps to. We all miss playing in the pool and on trampoline. We miss our friends. A lot. We just keep reminding ourselves that they aren't too far away.

Laurel has a great group of girls in her class and around our street that she loves to get together. She has been taking a fashion class and dance at school that are both right up her alley! Cadence is really enjoying her preschool class and loves taking walks down the street to see the progress on our house. Sierra? Well, it's middle school. She has had her ups and downs, but definitely more ups lately. Sierra is just trying to find her happy place and I think she is getting there. She comes home from school most days pretty content and is enjoying the open art studio time and writing club that she recently discovered. Both of the older girls are becoming involved in the church youth groups too. They love having the independence to go down to the coffee shop or ride bikes around the neighborhood.

From 2007 until 2010 Brad was in grad school. He lived apart from us for almost a year total. When he was home he was studying. Constantly. He was home, but not present. I would watch my friends go hiking and to festival on the weekends with their whole families in tow. Swim meets were a family event. Not for us. I felt like a single parent for those three years. When he graduated I had hoped that things would change. But, we bought the farm. Soon, our lives were filled with projects. Not small ones either. Barn building, garden assembling, wooded path creating. Most of the days that Brad and I had off together consisted of him working outside while I covered the kids activities. It was still not the vision that I had wanted but we still had a little more family time than when he was in grad school.

Our decision to move wasn't easy. There have been some tears but there are a lot of things that we have loved about moving out here. These ease of having schools, libraries, hiking trails, and restaurants so close by has been awesome! Going to the school twice in one day is no problem. Running to the library to grab a book on hold is a breeze. The people around here are so friendly and inviting and the sidewalks make visiting friends and going for walks much easier than any place else that we have lived. But one of the best things about moving out here is that we have time. There aren't barns to build or trees to be cut down. We have spent more "family time" together over the past two months than we have in many years put together. It's not even "big" family outings.  Simply taking Cadence to the university to walk around and have lunch.  Taking the girls on short walks and hikes.  Just spending time together.  I can see a difference in the way that the girls interact with Brad. It's a wonderful feeling to assume that if I plan to do something with the kids that Brad will be part of it. For the past 5 or 6 years I generally assumed that it would be just the girls and I, that Brad would be busy with something else. It feels like this is the way that our life is supposed to be. The way our family is supposed to be. The chickens and the pool have got nothing on this gift of time that we have been given. For that I am grateful.

Wine vs. Whine

It's interesting how two words that sounds exactly alike can conjure completely different feelings when I think about them. For example:

Wine - relaxing, enjoyable, letting go
Whine - tension, frustration, rocking in a corner (maybe with a glass of wine!)

Cadence was on a big whining kick for quite a while, probably in response to the chaos and stress of packing, moving, etc.  She had gotten much better, until Brad and I made a horrible mistake.  We talked about how much "better" she had been and how she had been whining a lot less.  Note to self: don't jinx a good thing by discussing it!  I hate these phases because it makes me incredibly sad when I'm not enjoying my time with the girls.  I know I'm not going to relish every single day, but I don't like when I am counting down the minutes to bedtime day after day.  I decided to talk to Cadence about it.

Me: Do you like to spend time with Mommy?
C: Yes.
Me: Do you like to spend time with me when I am happy and silly and we have lots of fun?
C:  Yes.
Me:  Do you like to spend time with me when I'm grumpy and frustrated and yell?

(Here is where Cadence didn't follow my intended text!)
She is supposed to say "no" and then we'd talk about how much more fun it is to be with someone who is happy, not whining, etc.  Instead she said:

C:  Yes.
Me: You do?  Why?
C:  Because I like to make you happy.

Wow.  I kind of suck right now.  I think I need some wine!

 



Dirty secrets revealed

We've been lucky enough to custom build our last two homes.  We got exactly what we wanted and used the space efficiently.  That's not exactly the case in our apartment now.  Too many bathrooms, no basement or large laundry room, and a kitchen the size of a postage stamp (did I mention that?) but we are trying to call it home for this short time.  Less than three months to go!

 

However, committing to a place for an interim period changes ones' perspective of "home" a bit.  We had some intention to hang artwork as well as desperately wanting to not look at cardboard boxes sitting around, so we unpacked all of our pictures.  This is as far as they have gotten.

 

 

Now that we are more than a quarter of the way through our time here it seems like a moot point to bother finding the hammer and nails.  So this is our new art display.  I'm sure it's stylish in some decorating magazine?!

 

We have a full bathroom downstairs that we won't be showering in but no place to put the cat food (so that the dog doesn't get to it) and no where to hang laundry.  Voila!

 

 

Cat food in the bathtub and shower rod to hang up laundry.  Hopefully I will always remember to stash my bras before company comes over.

 

I've come to the realization that there are some boxes that I just will not be unpacking.  I don't have the time, energy, or desire to try and find a place for this... well, crap.  Such as most of the items in this box:

 

I'm thinking that I can make it the next few months without the items in there.  Possibly the rest of my life.

 

We've also made a new discovery.  Apparently our children don't need beds to sleep in.  Or bedrooms for that matter.  Closets seem to be the desired sleeping quarters for the Williams' kids.  I don't know why, but that's one battle I'm not going to bother fighting!

 

I guess now that you know all of our dirty little secrets I can invite you over for dinner!

Mothering instinct

Cadence is obsessed with babies.  She has been for as long as I can remember.  As soon as she spots a stroller she's yanking on my hand to "see the baby" (which she adorably pronounces 'bee-bee').  She mothers her baby dolls unlike either of my other girls ever did.  She spends a lot of time dressing her babies, feeding them, cleaning them.  Heaven forbid that I accidentally drop one of them!

 

We have talked about Sierra and Laurel growing in my belly but that I grew Cadence in my heart.  She seems to like that, but all she has talked about lately is growing a baby in her belly.  She says that she might grow one in her heart too, but she wants "lots of babies in her belly."  It's very sweet and I love to see her motherly instinct.  She did ask me the other day why her first mommy couldn't take care of her.  Cadence is so inquisitive and analytical, but I was a bit surprised to be fielding these questions when she is four.  I hope, though, that the sooner we talk about things like this the more she will come to understand and accept her story.

 

I do love to see, though, that despite her background, however she "makes a baby" her mothering instinct is deeply rooted.

 

More adventures

We haven't had any adventures quite as exciting as the first week here, but the pain in the butt challenging aspects of living in an apartment continue!  I still have boxes to unpack since I have no where else to put stuff.  Yes, I'm sure this is a good time to get rid of things, but the sorting feels too tedious most days.  I went to Sam's club the other day.  I was on a quest for Summer Shandy beer but apparently retailers deem mid-August to officially be autumn, but that's a whole other blog post.  Despite the elusive summer brew I bought a few things but was very conscious of the fact that we have very little space to put things.  I felt like I did pretty well until I came home.  Then I remembered that I had to get the stuff inside.  I've always hated unloading after a Sam's club trip, but try doing it while living in a second floor apartment.  Grrrr...

 

Then there is this room.

 

 

 

The laundry room. 

 

I'm grateful that we have it and don't have to deal with communal laundry space, but the dimensions get to me every time.  The bottom door doesn't open with a laundry basket in front of it and the top door closes on me as I pull clothes out.  Combined with the fact that we have our cat's litter box sharing space with our "clean" clothes, the whole area makes me annoyed (as if doing laundry doesn't annoy me enough as it is!).  As usual with frustrating times, Cadence made me laugh through it today.  I was emptying the dryer, clothes were falling on the floor (near cat litter... eww!), and I muttered something under my breath.  Cadence was eating lunch in the other room and she says "Mom, you aren't supposed to say that word."  I asked her what word (I honestly barely realized I had said anything).  She says "The one you always say in the laundry room"!  Oh, my girl can make me laugh!

Apartment adventures

We have officially moved out of our house.  The house closing happened yesterday.  Last week we moved into our home for the next 4 months or so.  We've moved from 24 acres to an apartment building.  I don't know if I should feel more sorry for us or the people around us!  It's been a bit of an adjustment.  It is just down the road from where we are building our house so the girls will be in the same schools and hopefully the same bus.  It has three bedrooms so Sierra and Laurel are getting used to sharing a room again.  The living/dining/study room is large enough to accommodate our main furnishings.  We have a large storage unit in town that is packed to the brim.  Unfortunately Cadence's extra car seat, her new bike, and our car bike rack are somewhere in the depths of the unit.

 Our new kitchen is small.  I can touch every major appliance as I stand in one spot.  It has one drawer.  One.  Drawer.  Those two drawers on the right... they're fake.  That almost made me cry.  You may not have seen our old kitchen.

New kitchen

 

Old kitchen

 

Do you see the problem?  Four months, four months, four months. That is my mantra!  I did discover that the dishwasher seconds as a good storage area (as long as you don't mind washing everything by hand).

 

While the downstairs is roomy (except for the kitchen) the biggest downer is the fact that the place has five windows.  For the whole apartment.  There's a whole lotta artificial light going on.  The girls' rooms have no windows.  Do you know how hard it is to wake up tired kids when they sleep in a cave?!  If you can't tell from our old house, we like sunlight.  Lots of it.  Four months, four months, four months.

Old living room

 

 

New living/dining/study room

 

For some reason this large, multi-level apartment is only accessible with a key fob and has no system to buzz people in to the building.  So begins our first adventure.  Our second night in the apartment I couldn't find my car keys.  Brad was leaving for work before 6am and I couldn't be carless the next day so I drove to our old house to get my spare set of keys.  I returned to the apartment around 11:45pm when Shiloh promptly pooped on the carpet.  Awesome.  I hurried up to take her outside.  Once outside (where, of course, she didn't do anything) I realized that I didn't have a key fab.  There was no way for me to get into the building.  Even if I did have my phone I couldn't call because Brad's phone was downstairs and he would never hear it as he slept upstairs.  I was resigned to wait until someone else came home to take pity on me and let me in.  I was annoyed until I remembered... I had turned the bath water on before I took Shiloh outside.  I think every curse word came out of my mouth as I envisioned the entire building flooding as my family slept through the whole thing and I stood outside helpless!  I started walking around the building hoping to see a light on where I could yell up to some random stranger (there are only shops on the first level, homes start on second floor) and hope that they would come downstairs at midnight to let me back inside.  I was panicked!  As I passed the door that I had originally come in when I got home I tried to open it.  It felt like divine intervention as it opened!  It hadn't latched when I walked in.  Thank you Lord!  I bolted upstairs to find the tub filled to the top but not overflowing!  Despite how stressful it was, I know it could have turned out disastrously and somehow I got lucky.  I hope this luck continues to follow us throughout this journey to our new home.  On the upside, this is the view from our balcony!

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 things about me (no Debbie Downer post!)

I don't know how many people did this, but it seemed like most of my friends on Facebook took part in "16 things about me". Who came up with this and why "16", I'm not sure, but it was fun to see some tidbits about people that I might not otherwise have known. This was almost five years ago! I thought I'd revisit my list and see how things have (or haven't) changed!

16 things about me December 18, 2008 at 4:55am (obviously written during night shift... some things don't change!)
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

 1. I work a lot - night shift. Hence, I am tired... very tired. I tend to blame my horrible memory on this, but really my memory has always sucked (just not to this degree). I still work night shift, but not nearly as much as I was back then. Brad was in grad school and I was the sole income in a job where my hours weren't guaranteed. I scheduled myself a lot of hours in case I was cancelled. When I was rarely cancelled I worked A LOT! And my memory continues to suck.

 2. While I try very hard not to wish time away, I CANNOT WAIT for July 2010 (this is when Brad will be done with school, bringing home a paycheck, and hopefully I won't be so tired!). See above. I look back on his grad school with not a hint of fondness. The hardest 2 1/2 years of my life.

3. I love to be silly and goofy with my girls. I make up random songs, dance like crazy, make silly faces, anything to hear those belly laughs. I still love to be silly but the above tactics don't work as well with the older two. Cadence, however, loves it. And I still ADORE to hear belly laughs from all of them. It feels pretty awesome to be able to get a belly laugh from your tween.

  4. A lot of people that I work with think that I am quiet. Brad doesn't believe me! I'm probably quieter at work now that I was then. I'm okay with that.

  5. I have a very hard time sitting still. It's actually a sickness, I think. I've even thought about learning how to knit so I'll have something to do with my hands on the rare occasion that I watch tv. Still so true. And I did learn to knit, although I'm usually folding clothes when I watch TV. That's my excuse to sit down during the day. I think I need more excuses!

6. I love, love, love my husband. He is my balance and he keeps me grounded. He intrigued me from the beginning and still does. He is a good man. The beauty of Facebook. Seeing what everyone else wrote in their "notes" made me feel like I'd be a "bad wife" if I didn't mention my husband for one of my "things". Reference #2, this was the absolute hardest time of our entire marriage. Honestly, at the time I wrote this, there was very little balance in our lives. I wanted to be back at the place we were with each other when we first got married, when life was much easier. I discovered that while raising children often feels like the hardest job in the world, I think that being married is equally, if not more, difficult. You don't have an out with your kids. You are a parent forever, nothing will ever change that. Not true for marriage. You can get out. It takes A LOT of work to keep a marriage happy and healthy. I look back at this time and take comfort knowing that we came through the other side with a stronger marriage.

7. I truly value my friendships. While my family means everything to me, there is definitely something missing when I don't have "girl time" with those I love to laugh with, drink with, and complain to. Still very true! I love my "Village" and know that despite moving away from them these wonderful women will always be a part of my life. I feel so blessed for my friendships near and far.

8. While I am not a fan of conflict, what I absolutely can't stand more than that is unresolved conflict. Still true, although I'm coming to accept that you can't make people fix what they don't want to fix.

9. I am probably oversensitive sometimes, although I try really hard not to be. I think I've gotten a little tougher, but sensitive is my nature.

10. I really love doing karate, but I hate doing kumite (sparring). It's quite simple - I am a wimp and I don't like to get hurt. I enjoyed doing karate. The complete focus that I needed in class forced my mind to take a break from the usual constant chatter. I always left class feeling refreshed. Until the next day, when I was popping Advil like candy. When Cadence came home I had to quit karate and as much as I miss it, my body doesn't! I never came to enjoy kumite though.

  11. While being a peds nurse can be hard at times, I feel very blessed to be able to do the job that I do. To be entrusted to care for someone's child, during one of the most difficult times of their life, makes me humble and thankful for each healthy moment of my own family's life. I really love my job. When almost every nurse I know if going to grad school I am perfectly content staying right at the bedside. I consider myself very lucky to have the job that I have.

12. My one wish and prayer for my children is that they are happy and at peace with themselves. (I'm still trying to obtain the latter) I still wish this for my kids and it has been so hard watching Sierra struggle with this. I continue to ask for this when I pray or may wishes.

13. I think I am probably OCD, but I try not to let it control my life. Is it normal to feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders when my house is sparkling clean? Probably not! Unchanged.

14. I feel passionately about organ donation. I personally think that there should be registry and if you aren't listed as a donor, you shouldn't be a recipient. Yep!

15. I fantasize about world travel. We have big plans for the future (read: post July 2010)! I want take my kids with me for medical missions, see museums on the other side of the world, swim in warms waters with tropical fish... but most on my mind now is traveling back to China with our 3 children. I got to fulfill one of my dreams when I went to Africa this year. I hope to make medial missions a regular part of my life.

16. I really had no idea how great life would be being a mom! They make me laugh, cry, worry, and feel more love than I imagined! Absolutely, without a doubt, 100% true. All of it!