I want to be 10 again

"I can't wait until I'm a grown up and can make all of my own decisions for myself."  I hear this a lot from my oldest.  Although the decisions get more challenging and multiply, it is a nice benefit of getting older.  Until you throw in some kids. That is when it kind of sucks.   When your decision making affects not just you, but those three little beings that hold a rather large part of your heart.  And when they hurt as a result of your decision, you hurt too.  That's when I want to be a ten year old girl simply longing to grow up.

When we bought this house we anticipated it would be our last home.  We planted trees towards the back of our field and wistfully imagined that some day one of our girls might choose to get married at this place where she grew up.  We built the house with unfinished space that we hoped to make into new rooms one day.  I let the girls draw on their walls (granted, in their closets) because no one else would ever have to see it.  We put in a pool, we bought the chickens and coop, we built a barn.  Brad bought many "farming" and "self-sustaining" books.  This was it.

But we had to make a decision.  One of those crappy, grown-up, "this will affect everyone" type of decisions.  We have talked pros and cons and "what-if's" until we are blue in the face.  Ultimately, though, we are going with what feels right in our gut.  We've decided to sell our house and move.  It was not an easy decision and there were quite a few tears involved.  I am happy to say they were mostly my tears.  The girls have really handled this well.  We've driven them around the area that we hope to move and they like it.  They are excited about a different type of lifestyle than we have had (easy walking or bike riding to stores, parks, walking paths, possibly to school).  They are sad at the thought of moving away from friends, as am I.  We've talked a lot about how we won't live that far away from them and the friendships that are the most important will last through the distance.  Laurel was very upset about leaving the place where we buried Rummy last month.  All in all, though, the "decision" went down smoother than anticipated.

When we were on vacation last week a windstorm mangled our trampoline and a creature got most of our chickens.  It kind of feels like the universe is showing us signs that it's time to leave.  I'm going on faith that the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray.  On that note, if you know of anyone looking for 23 acres, a pool, and some of the best views around, let me know!

Seeing intentions

Back in January I wrote about my intention for the new year.  I hoped to be more aware of those little moments that might pass you by if you don't pay attention.  One of the things that I enjoy on Facebook and Pinterest are the sayings that people post.  Often these are messages that we already know, but seeing them in black and white can create an "ah-ha" moment.  They feel profound for a bit, I think to myself that I want to fit them into my daily life, but usually by the next day they are gone.  ((In my defense, I chalk some of this up to the Iceberg Effect.  The iceberg (my brain) is only so big.  Only a certain number of penguins (information) can fit on it. As time goes on there simply isn't room for more penguins.  So when more penguins need to get on the iceberg, others get pushed off.  Bigger penguins (ex: where my kids are at the moment) weed out the little penguins (ex: kitschy sayings that I like).  Survival of the fittest.  I find this happening at an alarmingly fast rate as I get older!))  Anyway, I saw this the other day and had one of those moments: 

Sometimes what bugs me about another person is more indicative of my own insecurity rather than their inadequacy.

It wasn't completely gone the next day, but not nearly as poignant.  But then I see the same message here. I'm getting the feeling that this is something that I'm supposed to be paying attention to.  What do you think?